Yesterday for the first time after almost 2 years, I finally just chilled and played video games. It’s not just playing video games that was so healing to me, but simply
the fact of doing nothing dealing with my work and not feel guilty.
That was a first in a long time. I was laying on my bed at an angle that I had never been, and it actually made me disclose a new side of my cupboard-like “room”. That was a thrilling experience. Time flew and after finally completing the mission I was stuck in for months in Hotline Miami 2, I took off bought myself a Brooklyn Lager and ate some fish. That was a great day.
I also had some passionflower tabs, this thing sort of relax me, which is pleasing, but I was expecting it to knock me out. To be knocked down by medication in order to sleep, that is what I needed during my first diagnosed burnout, therefore I thought that it was what I needed now. It wasn’t the case, for I had to dig deep inside of me to find the resource to battle burnouts anywhere, anytime without chemical medication. And this is what I did .
I’d like to say that passionflower has s strange effect on me, it makes my dreams very clear, but not any dreams, the dreams of my past. These pills seems to remove the hazy fog that covered my memories. I wake up realizing that I had erased some people faces, some events and some places from my memory. Or maybe was I thinking about those things every night!
But the agent of repression in my psyche would automatically zap any of my unconscious attempt at remembering the past least I once again fall into the perfumed yet cold arms of Melancholy.
I paused and pondered
Suppressing my past, was it the device I found to keep me moving forward?
I can’t help but wonder. But this pills definitely have had an effect on my memory, that’s why I hereby name them,
The funniest thing is that it taste mouldy. Like the face of a haunting ex that you held captive in a memory donjon for centuries.
It has the taste of rotten memories, at least it’s not bitter. How could the sweetest fruit give such a putrid dust, is that after all the real manifestation of “Regret”, this sarcophagus of flavors in the mouth?
I do not know, but at least the opportunity to remember filled my eyes with sugary tears.