Alone

Sorry.

It’s been a long time, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I sort of physically fell down a downward storm that crushed everything inside me but my body, although I feel it in my bones, something has died in me. It’s funny, it’s the first time I write like this, like I’m really lonely, like I’m really alone. Before? Before I was lying, I was saying “oh Lord, I’m so lonely!” But deep in my heart I still knew that someone was listening.

I was still waiting for someone to come to my rescue and hold my hand and hand me her heart and heal me in the end.

But that was a fallacy. Not only on the sentimental perspective, but even in the realm of comradery. Comradery?

Bullcrap.

You’ve got to realize that no one loves you, and that no one wants you here, or else them too would be penpalling with the stars in longing for an answer. No they don’t. They go about they lives. Pay their taxes, have kids, divorce, then die. That little glow was still very alive within me until that day when I said,

stop, I don’t need you to commit suicide.

And I died, I died to this world, that had never acknowledged me. I died from society and I drifted away not really knowing where to go. I killed that persona, filled to the brim with false hopes, charades and fairy tales, that the grand fakers narrated me time and time again. This is disgusting. Now I know that I am really alone, and that I can’t count on no one,

in three decades maybe they’d dissect my decadence. As usual art critics danse one death too late.

And I’m gone, who can even catch me after I evaporated and bring me back to the pen.

“Personne”, which in French means someone and, nobody.

It’s hilarious, you should laugh, this is what people do when someone dies, they one day smile, then cry, cry, then smile, then die. And people will do the same for them, until there’s no one left.

This man would be the freest man in the history of mankind, he would at length breathe the fresh  air of liberty, before killing himself in his turn. And what did I spoke of a last man instead of a last woman? Well take a walk plebeian.

 

Love (or something like that)

PBx

BCAA

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Once again I made my credit card burn on Amazon for a buy that worthy it, I find. I bought some BCAA pills, not that I’m the bigger gym guy on the planet, but I used it for a particular reason. It helps your body recovering faster after working out

And that’s the selling point, that’s all I care about.

More than appearance, I’m focused on performance.

The BCAA supplement probably acts like a placebo on my brain, but it makes me feels more confident to go all the way because I know that I want be sore, or at least that I will be able to train again the next day.
I don’t do heavy lifting (yet), I’m mostly working on my core, and doing pilates training and a few push-ups along with my dancing.
I find over time that in order to maintain my condition as a dancer I had to concentrate more on my core muscles more than on how my muscles look. In other words

What matter for a dancer is not how you look physically but how you look dancing

And the more I focus on these core muscles, the more they seems to “cement” the integrity of my movements, and the less I actually experience micro injuries.
I think it is crucial. Don’t get me wrong I will eventually be a gym buff (for my not-yet-met female fans) but  I cant go now because I’m not sure if I could be able to afford the increase of food  needed and  the balanced diet required to a proper mass gain. Besides I’m just too poor right now to go to the gym by bus. I can’t go to my local gym people hate me in my neighborhood, I don’t know why. And in the same time you do something different in order to meet different people isn’t it?
So in order to be sure to be in shape to work out everyday and dance I use BCAA pills, I’m really strengthening my core, it doesn’t look impressive but it is actually the very thing that will help me go the distance as a performer.

May it be in my relationship or on stage I always strive for consistency

I might injure myself if I only lift heavy weights, I’d look prettier but would it helps me improve as a performer?
I’ve always been for going to the gym, but for a purpose
The purpose can be anything, from getting more confidence, to health issue, to boosting your physical abilities, but it should never be for your ego

For your confidence, but not for your ego

Again, if you’re asking me whether or not going to the gym will improve my dancing. No doubts. But I have to know how and which muscles to work on as a dancer to not impair my performances.
Buff dancer have become a craze since the 90’s but, the very reason why have always question that is so obvious yet almost mysterious that it might come as a shock. I’ve always been wondering why putting such an emphasize on going to the gym while the greatest dancer of all time, Michael Jackson, never stepped foot in it! He was tall and thin and never had to build up muscles!
The reality is that,

1) Since he’s been performing from his boyhood he didn’t need to build up muscles since these “dancing” muscles had naturally developed with him growing up.
2) I’ve experience myself when I started working out like a madman to fulfil my dream to become a NBA star at 21 (haha that’s a whole other story that I tell you later, but still I’m proud I did this, that was a huge act of faith and it taught me the consistency I’m still applying today) I realized as a was getting weight that I was more explosive, but that I was losing my quickness (and as you know my dancing style is all about quickness) I actually couldn’t dance properly during these time, because I had built other muscles but also because I’ve got to “reset” some part of my body from time to time in order to dance consistently (but again that’s another subject)

But these BCAA pills, how can I say, they help me plunging back in those times when I was alone in the wind, dashing on the gentle slope of motivation to find myself in the deserted basketball court before the sun opened his blazing eyelids.

I can picture perfectly my yellow long-sleeve t-shirt over my turtle neck Under Armor winter “climacool” I think? To keep me warm. I was throwing shots with my frozen hands under the freezing rain, or was it not snowflakes in their childhood?

Or when I was alone in the court with no one to support me and that this place seemed bigger than me, but not big enough to contain my dreams.

It all made me nostalgic, the BCAA and their bland, non-existent taste have become my Proustian memory madeleine.

To sum up

I’ll always take the least impressive path to yield the most impressive results

and

Some things don’t help you doing something, they help you believing  you can do them

Maybe it was all a dream? But that is the effect the BCAA pills have on me.

Enjoy the grind!
Much Love,

 

PBx
PS: It also contains vitamin B6 that play a role for your nerves.

Memory Flower,

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Yesterday for the first time after almost 2 years, I finally just chilled and played video games. It’s not just playing video games that was so healing to me, but simply

the fact of doing nothing dealing with my work and not feel guilty.

That was a first in a long time. I was laying on my bed at an angle that I had never been, and it actually made me disclose a new side of my cupboard-like “room”. That was a thrilling experience. Time flew and after finally completing the mission I was stuck in for months in Hotline Miami 2, I took off bought myself a Brooklyn Lager and ate some fish. That was a great day.

I also had some passionflower tabs, this thing sort of relax me, which is pleasing, but I was expecting it to knock me out. To be knocked down by medication in order to sleep, that is what I needed during my first diagnosed burnout, therefore I thought that it was what I needed now. It wasn’t the case, for I had to dig deep inside of me to find the resource to battle burnouts anywhere, anytime without chemical medication. And this is what I did .

I’d like to say that passionflower has s strange effect on me, it makes my dreams very clear, but not any dreams, the dreams of my past. These pills seems to remove the hazy fog that covered my memories. I wake up realizing that I had erased some people faces, some events and some places from my memory. Or maybe was I thinking about those things every night!

But the agent of repression in my psyche would automatically zap any of my unconscious attempt at remembering the past least I once again fall into the perfumed yet cold arms of Melancholy.

I paused and pondered

Suppressing my past, was it the device I found to keep me moving forward?

I can’t help but wonder. But this pills definitely have had an effect on my memory, that’s why I hereby name them,

Memory Flower.

The funniest thing is that it taste mouldy. Like the face of a haunting ex that you held captive in a memory donjon for centuries.

It has the taste of rotten memories, at least it’s not bitter. How could the sweetest fruit give such a putrid dust, is that after all the real manifestation of “Regret”, this sarcophagus of flavors in the mouth?

I do not know, but at least the opportunity to remember filled my eyes with sugary tears.

So long,

Much Love

PBx

Coward,

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I’m not saying that Squall is a coward, he is one my favorite character of all time.

But, trying to be blind to the sufferings of others because one doesn’t have the strength to bear the pain of others, is cowardice.

And this is what Squall does at the beginning yet opens his heart eventually. Witnessing a video game character show so much courage in love makes me wonder,

Am I a coward?

Although I’m feeling every day the pain of the whole world, the big picture, I realize than I am avoiding the pain of the people right in front of me.

But if I am taking the pain of all the people I meet I’ll die before I can save many, because I’d lose my mind and my life wouldn’t have any sense.

However, I’m trying to care, and even Jesus couldn’t help each person he met. But I wish I could,

As crazy as it seems, if you love and want to save as many people as possible, you have to open your heart while closing it sometimes.

I wish to die of a broken heart, exhausted because I loved too much love.

 

Could you feel my Love?

PB

 

Loner,

 

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The first time I heard the word loner was in the Walking Dead. I’ve always loved Glenn (Steven Yeun) he is one of my favorite character in the series, and I also love Maggie (Lauren Cohan) very much that’s a great name!

After I learned that word it seems to me that it fitted me perfectly, sometimes more than “lonely” because I’ve never really been lonely I’ve always have had a lot of people around me, but I still felt lonely inside thus my definition,

Lonely = physically alone

Loner= is being alone together

If it makes sense. But people may ask, “why so lonely” ? I found this excerpt on the internet and I think it sums up perfectly my feeling.

“Another theory is aspirational in nature: The smarter you are, the more focused you will be on longer-term goals, and spending time with friends is distracting rather than helpful.

In short, if you’re hanging out with me… you aren’t getting stuff done.”

Jeff Haden

Indeed, I don’t always hang around people because I hate them, but because I love to work on myself more.

I never do anything against people, I do things for me.

Meditate on that,

 

I love you,

PB

Monster,

Interviews with the Monster Girls is a manga I’ve been reading for months, but the anime version really encapsulates everything I like about the manga and enhanced the experience (which is as for me seldom the case).

I always prefer the manga version-it’s the direct expression of the mangaka souls on paper. Each strokes was destined to produce a certain emotion. The lines guide the eye from frame to frame, the composition of the story tells already a story. Sometimes the decomposition of a movement makes it more vivid for the imagination since you have to recompose the action in your mind. Each frame is like a snapshot of the climatic moment in terms of emotion, meaning and story-telling. But, some anime are great adaptation.

A colleague when I used to work at McDonald’s told me

I love anime, to see the work in movement with the voices, the music it really enhance the emotion

And she was right

I forgot how human manga were, and hearing human voices, seing the characters in motion and listening to the music that touches the soul made me realize how human manga characters were.  Indeed

We are touched by manga because of how human the characters, the situations and the feelings in there are.

That’s why some people mistake some manga characters for real ones (don’t do it that dangerous by the way!) it’s just that, in general, it’s the humanity in art that touches people. 

After more than a week and France I finally allowed myself to enjoy my vacations. I ate all day, played video games, and even took naps. I felt that it was finally time for me to resume watching anime.

I was very pleased to see that Interview with Monster Girls was the most popular manga on Crunchyroll at the moment, people got some taste at length.  I thus watched those episodes and I died laughing all the time. Although the romances between adults and teenagers is quite creepy (well it’s just innuendos, but still)

What shocked me is how “feel good” and warm this manga is, I was glad to hear human voices and foremost to see human situations.

I was pleased to see, love, joy, embarrassment, sadness, loneliness, characters being dependable, other shy or clumsy. Just being human, and it pinched my heart a little bit to acknowledge that alll these basic human emotions are nowhere to be seen now. 

Especially concerning women, this manga made me realize that what I love with women is when they are shy, unsure, clumsy, embarrassed, all the awkward situations that I’d discard with a laugh and a smile. But you no longer can see it now.

Man-made depiction of women wants them to be dependent and perfect.

Women-made depiction of women wants them to be independent and perfect.

What if I just want to depend on an imperfect woman ?

What makes us human are our imperfections, if you’re perfect then you’re something else. If you’re something else I guess you’re a Monster.

Meditate on that,
To the one I mayhaps, will love fondly .

 

I love you,

PB

Speech,

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I spent so many time almost screaming in the noisy environment that is, the bar I work in (for the time being) that I started to whisper once on vacations. The consequence of this is that I started to speak to high for range and to misuse my voice, which eventually damaged my singing voice.

Your speaking voice influences your speaking voice.

I’ve had problems with my speech since mid-school, there my schoolmate would listen to all my jokes but never to what I was thinking. I really had a short window for delivering fast everything I had to say, so I started to speak really fast and would trip on each word, since the attention span of my audience was so short I had to find the exact word each time if I wanted to accurately express what I had in mind (that was a long sentence).

After learning how to sing I had to relearn how to speak.

Which was my salvation I could finally regain my eloquence without jeopardizing my singing voice in any way. And there is a certain satisfaction in speaking exactly the way you think you speak (if it makes sense) I can express loud (or loud enough) what I have in mind in the tangible sonic world which is ours (I’m use a lot “which” today).

I guess not being able to express what I wanted pushed me towards becoming a full-time songwriter after being a bass player. Expressing my thoughts through songs I created and actually singing my thoughts was one of my first motives for songwriting. I realize 10 years down the line.

I don’t really acticulate when I speak (well I plain don’t articulate) but I’m ready to exaggerate when I sing, isn’t it revealing.

To sum up, your speech is really important, you way find ways to express yourself without expressing yourself, however they will still be a time when you will have to have your voice heard. Take the time to solve your problem, to trace back when you’ve started to have issues with your speak.

Reach out for help, take care of yourself and heal yourself.

Speak out

 

Much Love,

PB