Alone

Sorry.

It’s been a long time, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I sort of physically fell down a downward storm that crushed everything inside me but my body, although I feel it in my bones, something has died in me. It’s funny, it’s the first time I write like this, like I’m really lonely, like I’m really alone. Before? Before I was lying, I was saying “oh Lord, I’m so lonely!” But deep in my heart I still knew that someone was listening.

I was still waiting for someone to come to my rescue and hold my hand and hand me her heart and heal me in the end.

But that was a fallacy. Not only on the sentimental perspective, but even in the realm of comradery. Comradery?

Bullcrap.

You’ve got to realize that no one loves you, and that no one wants you here, or else them too would be penpalling with the stars in longing for an answer. No they don’t. They go about they lives. Pay their taxes, have kids, divorce, then die. That little glow was still very alive within me until that day when I said,

stop, I don’t need you to commit suicide.

And I died, I died to this world, that had never acknowledged me. I died from society and I drifted away not really knowing where to go. I killed that persona, filled to the brim with false hopes, charades and fairy tales, that the grand fakers narrated me time and time again. This is disgusting. Now I know that I am really alone, and that I can’t count on no one,

in three decades maybe they’d dissect my decadence. As usual art critics danse one death too late.

And I’m gone, who can even catch me after I evaporated and bring me back to the pen.

“Personne”, which in French means someone and, nobody.

It’s hilarious, you should laugh, this is what people do when someone dies, they one day smile, then cry, cry, then smile, then die. And people will do the same for them, until there’s no one left.

This man would be the freest man in the history of mankind, he would at length breathe the fresh  air of liberty, before killing himself in his turn. And what did I spoke of a last man instead of a last woman? Well take a walk plebeian.

 

Love (or something like that)

PBx

Bland

In England the food is so bland it is starting to depress me seriously. 

That month I had some extra cash and I gave myself that directive “buy anything you want” I ended up buying some almond milk and a Savse cold-pressed smoothie. I don’t desire anything in the supermarket, because nothing tastes anything.

Growing up I’ve realized that I value now more space and quality of life than, status hype and appearance.

 “Wow, I’m living in a big city dude, cool!” That’s not me anymore. 

Although, I think that Paris, though atrociously expensive, is my limit because this city inspires me a lot, but if I’ve got to spend one cents more I’m not buying it.

And that’s a shame because I dreamed to live in London, and then New York, maybe I’ll change my mind but really, no space, for how much!
Anyway let’s go back to England.

I don’t care how amazing this country is, the food is nasty it’s an embarrassment. 
I end up eating less, one and a half, two meals a day? Because I just don’t enjoy eating.
Some will argue that it’s just because I’m depressed. I am indeed depressed, and distressed. BUT, to soothe this state of depression I don’t any comfort food in the horizon. 
Having such a aversion for what I eat made me realize one thing

Humans are really nothing, what we eat, work, how we sleep, sometimes we go the toilet if the manager grants you that, that’s it.

I have trouble sleeping right now, but thankfully the manager was kind enough to let me go to the restroom. But the food was nasty. I realize that when one thing (or several) of your natural need is not fully fulfilled, it’s your whole being which is unbalanced. 

My currency, isn’t money but Human Potential over Time.

I realize that simply by depriving people from sleep or food you prevent them from living up to their full potential and to make the whole humankind progress.
That is why the western world maintain Third-World countries in debts, famine and deprivation. And that it is so hard to raise women and men to their full potential in order to overthrow these cockroaches.
But I’m also scared for the poorer in the western world, if I’m so affected by that now, how will it be in the future when people will only eat from monsanto 100% GMO garbage food. In what mental state will people be, will they have the mental strength to uprise?

Or is it on us to prevent it from happening right now in the first place.

Meditate on that,

Uprise,

PB

Wasted Day,

Brighton, UK.

I never thought that depression could be something physical.

I’ve been so many times throughout my life in and out of depression that I became quite insensitive to other psychic pains. I thought if I could get over it, so can you. But that was before I couldn’t move for three days because of depression.
Once again I’ve been so depressed so many times that, getting back up has become a habit. Besides, and no one can disagree with me, the road to recovery starts with the right mindset. It’s like athletes who have been through injuries so many times that they exactly know in which mental and physical state they should put themselves to optimize their recovery. 
That was my take on it before, I experienced a total breakdown in Brighton, UK, that incapacitated me for three days.

I couldn’t believe it, me a “depression veteran” being beaten so badly by it? I think there might be so sort of limit to the the number of depressions you can have in one life. Firstly it attacks the mind but if you survive, you’re in the green, however if you use that trick too much, it then shuts you body down. And that’s how I felt

A total body shut down.
It’s weird, when both your body and mind collapse at the same time, you feel like you’ve reach 

The End of you existence.

It’s only because you still perceive the elapsing of time that you can think, “maybe later, I’ll feel better.” But

It really felt like the end of me.

How naive of me, haven’t I already witnessed that for the first time as a kid.
I remember my mother bed-ridden due to depression, I was 3 since my brother was still a toddler. My father wasn’t there. I don’t know how we survived, according to the legend we ate flour. I remember my mother in bed, and I remember in which cupboard my parents kept the flour, but I don’t have any recollection of me actually eating flour. That was my first Hunger story. But the thinking about that makes me very worried for my brother, how did we survive? He is tall and healthy now, but it’s probably a blessing that I did not understand how desperate the situation was. After three days my father came back I heard.

 Throughout my life, all I’ve seen is pain.

It’s probably why I’ve developed such deep sense of empathy. 

Feeling things has perhaps even become a sort of 6th sense for me.

But nobody could sense what I feel. 
Wasted days? I’ve known many of them, but even during “wasted days” I try to be productive. Create a little if mind my is ready for it, read a little, and imagining things, a lot, I guess imagination is the only thing you’ve got left when you’re down. But foremost, those days never last for long, they always end. So I’ve always got hoped for the future. Foremost if you are still honest with yourself you shouldn’t be ashamed of these days when you feel down, lonely in room your room. Because actually,

Lonely days when you feel down are often the best opportunity to reconnect with yourself.

Life is so fast, so loud, there is always noise, smell, people talking and interfering between you and your family, your lover and even between you and yourself. It’s always about going fast, do this, do that, no time to take a break when you’re healthy but when you’re down you are forced to halt. And somehow it’s a good thing.

Don’t be ashamed, but take heart tomorrow will be a better day.

The thing is, don’t dwell in depression like many people I met. I don’t know if it’s s true proverb but in Man Vs. Wild I heard this quote coming according to my memory form Iceland

If you are out in the snow, and you’re cold, sit down for five minute, and you’ll be even colder.

 GET UP.

The thing is not to be ashamed of falling down, but to be proud of yourself when shining you look back and say “I was right to get back up”.
Never be ashamed of your weaknesses, we are human. But take proud in your ability to get back up and shine.
I love you my friend 
Stay safe
PB

Destiny Breakdown,


“Half awake and half dozing, stuck by a drear reality, but still lost

In an inner sea fog of Danaidean dreams

I stand teeth chattering

On Memphis Station, Tennessee.

It is raining.

The night is so desolate and extinguished,
And the rain flays the ground

With a senseless, dark energy.

Everything is clammy and impenetrable.

Why does the train wait here hour after hour?

Why has my lot ground to a halt here? / why has my destiny broken down here?*

Am I to flee from rain and mind-numbingness

In Denmark, India and Japan

Only to be rained in and rot in Memphis

Tennessee, U.S.A.? ” […]
Johannes V. Jensen 

*other possible translation 

 
One of my favorite Scandinavian poem. Although this author was a controversial figure, neither my Scandinavian Literature teacher nor my researches could provide me with a definitive answer on that man. 

I really feel like my destiny has broken down,

 I can see the finishing line at the distance,  everything is going according to plans. But still, I don’t wanna go back to work just to be surrounded by people that don’t understand me or who enjoy exploiting me for the sack of the ones exploiting them, what a shame. My MacBook broke down, and my body as well, it’s hard for me to sleep and it’s hard for me to sing. However, the hardest yards are always the last ones, I’ve got to hold on for I don’t perceive victory, I see it. 

For once the “almost”-sleeping pills I take had an effect on me and I took a nap,

I better fix the engine of my destiny and get go before I snap.
Love

PB