Memory Flower,

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Yesterday for the first time after almost 2 years, I finally just chilled and played video games. It’s not just playing video games that was so healing to me, but simply

the fact of doing nothing dealing with my work and not feel guilty.

That was a first in a long time. I was laying on my bed at an angle that I had never been, and it actually made me disclose a new side of my cupboard-like “room”. That was a thrilling experience. Time flew and after finally completing the mission I was stuck in for months in Hotline Miami 2, I took off bought myself a Brooklyn Lager and ate some fish. That was a great day.

I also had some passionflower tabs, this thing sort of relax me, which is pleasing, but I was expecting it to knock me out. To be knocked down by medication in order to sleep, that is what I needed during my first diagnosed burnout, therefore I thought that it was what I needed now. It wasn’t the case, for I had to dig deep inside of me to find the resource to battle burnouts anywhere, anytime without chemical medication. And this is what I did .

I’d like to say that passionflower has s strange effect on me, it makes my dreams very clear, but not any dreams, the dreams of my past. These pills seems to remove the hazy fog that covered my memories. I wake up realizing that I had erased some people faces, some events and some places from my memory. Or maybe was I thinking about those things every night!

But the agent of repression in my psyche would automatically zap any of my unconscious attempt at remembering the past least I once again fall into the perfumed yet cold arms of Melancholy.

I paused and pondered

Suppressing my past, was it the device I found to keep me moving forward?

I can’t help but wonder. But this pills definitely have had an effect on my memory, that’s why I hereby name them,

Memory Flower.

The funniest thing is that it taste mouldy. Like the face of a haunting ex that you held captive in a memory donjon for centuries.

It has the taste of rotten memories, at least it’s not bitter. How could the sweetest fruit give such a putrid dust, is that after all the real manifestation of “Regret”, this sarcophagus of flavors in the mouth?

I do not know, but at least the opportunity to remember filled my eyes with sugary tears.

So long,

Much Love

PBx

Speech,

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I spent so many time almost screaming in the noisy environment that is, the bar I work in (for the time being) that I started to whisper once on vacations. The consequence of this is that I started to speak to high for range and to misuse my voice, which eventually damaged my singing voice.

Your speaking voice influences your speaking voice.

I’ve had problems with my speech since mid-school, there my schoolmate would listen to all my jokes but never to what I was thinking. I really had a short window for delivering fast everything I had to say, so I started to speak really fast and would trip on each word, since the attention span of my audience was so short I had to find the exact word each time if I wanted to accurately express what I had in mind (that was a long sentence).

After learning how to sing I had to relearn how to speak.

Which was my salvation I could finally regain my eloquence without jeopardizing my singing voice in any way. And there is a certain satisfaction in speaking exactly the way you think you speak (if it makes sense) I can express loud (or loud enough) what I have in mind in the tangible sonic world which is ours (I’m use a lot “which” today).

I guess not being able to express what I wanted pushed me towards becoming a full-time songwriter after being a bass player. Expressing my thoughts through songs I created and actually singing my thoughts was one of my first motives for songwriting. I realize 10 years down the line.

I don’t really acticulate when I speak (well I plain don’t articulate) but I’m ready to exaggerate when I sing,┬áisn’t it revealing.

To sum up, your speech is really important, you way find ways to express yourself without expressing yourself, however they will still be a time when you will have to have your voice heard. Take the time to solve your problem, to trace back when you’ve started to have issues with your speak.

Reach out for help, take care of yourself and heal yourself.

Speak out

 

Much Love,

PB