Alone

Sorry.

It’s been a long time, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I sort of physically fell down a downward storm that crushed everything inside me but my body, although I feel it in my bones, something has died in me. It’s funny, it’s the first time I write like this, like I’m really lonely, like I’m really alone. Before? Before I was lying, I was saying “oh Lord, I’m so lonely!” But deep in my heart I still knew that someone was listening.

I was still waiting for someone to come to my rescue and hold my hand and hand me her heart and heal me in the end.

But that was a fallacy. Not only on the sentimental perspective, but even in the realm of comradery. Comradery?

Bullcrap.

You’ve got to realize that no one loves you, and that no one wants you here, or else them too would be penpalling with the stars in longing for an answer. No they don’t. They go about they lives. Pay their taxes, have kids, divorce, then die. That little glow was still very alive within me until that day when I said,

stop, I don’t need you to commit suicide.

And I died, I died to this world, that had never acknowledged me. I died from society and I drifted away not really knowing where to go. I killed that persona, filled to the brim with false hopes, charades and fairy tales, that the grand fakers narrated me time and time again. This is disgusting. Now I know that I am really alone, and that I can’t count on no one,

in three decades maybe they’d dissect my decadence. As usual art critics danse one death too late.

And I’m gone, who can even catch me after I evaporated and bring me back to the pen.

“Personne”, which in French means someone and, nobody.

It’s hilarious, you should laugh, this is what people do when someone dies, they one day smile, then cry, cry, then smile, then die. And people will do the same for them, until there’s no one left.

This man would be the freest man in the history of mankind, he would at length breathe the fresh  air of liberty, before killing himself in his turn. And what did I spoke of a last man instead of a last woman? Well take a walk plebeian.

 

Love (or something like that)

PBx

True Hero,

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After I emptied the battery of my PS Vita playing to Persona 4 Golden (I’m stuck against Kanji-kun‘s Shadow, shameful!) out, I thought to myself, “Well, it’s late I should right something, yet why do I even care about apologising about my articles when I’m late, nobody checks anyway”? Well, that’s the thing dude. I recalled Naruto I told myself,

You’ve got to lead, even if no one is following you yet.

Naruto is my favorite character of all time (top 3 no doubt) he  was despised for years in his village because he had sealed within himself a fox-demon with nine tails that wreaked havoc and killed loved ones of the villagers.

I feel very close to him.

He had to fight alone, train alone, believe alone, dream alone, motivate himself alone yet,

His goal was to become the greatest, to be recognized but foremost to take care of everyone. Eventually he became a hero, a savior, a leader.

Lead even if no one is following you yet. Lead with your ideas, with your work ethic, with your honesty, with you vision.

Inspire people.

Love them like I Love you,

PB

Loner,

 

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The first time I heard the word loner was in the Walking Dead. I’ve always loved Glenn (Steven Yeun) he is one of my favorite character in the series, and I also love Maggie (Lauren Cohan) very much that’s a great name!

After I learned that word it seems to me that it fitted me perfectly, sometimes more than “lonely” because I’ve never really been lonely I’ve always have had a lot of people around me, but I still felt lonely inside thus my definition,

Lonely = physically alone

Loner= is being alone together

If it makes sense. But people may ask, “why so lonely” ? I found this excerpt on the internet and I think it sums up perfectly my feeling.

“Another theory is aspirational in nature: The smarter you are, the more focused you will be on longer-term goals, and spending time with friends is distracting rather than helpful.

In short, if you’re hanging out with me… you aren’t getting stuff done.”

Jeff Haden

Indeed, I don’t always hang around people because I hate them, but because I love to work on myself more.

I never do anything against people, I do things for me.

Meditate on that,

 

I love you,

PB

Monster,

Interviews with the Monster Girls is a manga I’ve been reading for months, but the anime version really encapsulates everything I like about the manga and enhanced the experience (which is as for me seldom the case).

I always prefer the manga version-it’s the direct expression of the mangaka souls on paper. Each strokes was destined to produce a certain emotion. The lines guide the eye from frame to frame, the composition of the story tells already a story. Sometimes the decomposition of a movement makes it more vivid for the imagination since you have to recompose the action in your mind. Each frame is like a snapshot of the climatic moment in terms of emotion, meaning and story-telling. But, some anime are great adaptation.

A colleague when I used to work at McDonald’s told me

I love anime, to see the work in movement with the voices, the music it really enhance the emotion

And she was right

I forgot how human manga were, and hearing human voices, seing the characters in motion and listening to the music that touches the soul made me realize how human manga characters were.  Indeed

We are touched by manga because of how human the characters, the situations and the feelings in there are.

That’s why some people mistake some manga characters for real ones (don’t do it that dangerous by the way!) it’s just that, in general, it’s the humanity in art that touches people. 

After more than a week and France I finally allowed myself to enjoy my vacations. I ate all day, played video games, and even took naps. I felt that it was finally time for me to resume watching anime.

I was very pleased to see that Interview with Monster Girls was the most popular manga on Crunchyroll at the moment, people got some taste at length.  I thus watched those episodes and I died laughing all the time. Although the romances between adults and teenagers is quite creepy (well it’s just innuendos, but still)

What shocked me is how “feel good” and warm this manga is, I was glad to hear human voices and foremost to see human situations.

I was pleased to see, love, joy, embarrassment, sadness, loneliness, characters being dependable, other shy or clumsy. Just being human, and it pinched my heart a little bit to acknowledge that alll these basic human emotions are nowhere to be seen now. 

Especially concerning women, this manga made me realize that what I love with women is when they are shy, unsure, clumsy, embarrassed, all the awkward situations that I’d discard with a laugh and a smile. But you no longer can see it now.

Man-made depiction of women wants them to be dependent and perfect.

Women-made depiction of women wants them to be independent and perfect.

What if I just want to depend on an imperfect woman ?

What makes us human are our imperfections, if you’re perfect then you’re something else. If you’re something else I guess you’re a Monster.

Meditate on that,
To the one I mayhaps, will love fondly .

 

I love you,

PB

Unplug,


It’s really hard for me to unplug from work, life, everything. I feel like the elapsing of time is working backwards for me, it doesn’t go from beginning to the end, but from end to right now. And it this short window I’ve got to accomplish things that will have an impact for a very long time. I always feel under pressure, because something always happens. When I try to forget about the world boom, a Black person gets killed, war in the Middle-East, corruption from the politicians, another social reform is slashed etc I really wish to depart from this world, but I’m connected to the world. I’m connected to all humans –  wish I wasn’t. 

The other reason why it’s hard for me to disconnect is that, nothing is real. I mean nothing I do is real, it’s all in my head. I’ve got almost nothing tangible I can show people, they can see my tools, but the ideas, dreams, and even just the music I have in my mind just don’t exist in this world yet. Unlike someone building something I have no proof of the reality of what I’m spending so much time and energy in. I sometimes envy construction workers, farmer, CNMs (Certified Nurse Midwives, that’s a funny name btw) because  they can see the result of their works.

I’m sometimes tired of living in an abstract world.

I feel like Yato in the manga Noragami (excellent manga by the way) he is a god that will disappear if people stop thinking about him.

Likewise I feel like I always have got to be “plugged” to my work because I if I stop thinking about my dreams and ideas, they might just disappear,

and nobody will hear about it, and that would be very sad.

But still, it’s time for me to switch off, I even took nap today, believe that?

Love

PB

Lonelines,

Artists worst enemy is loneliness most of the time. What baffles the most is the discrepancy between how much people claim to love art and how little consideration they have for people with an artistic type of personality.
To go straight to the point I’ve been mocked and disrespected every time I told people that I was an artist. Especially at work. If you disclose that to and live and an artist (I mean by that living the lifestyle of an artist not necessarily living off art) people just despise you while crying listening to Céline Dion, banging they head over System of Down or cruising on a Charlie Parker song. You might tell me that they’ve got nothing in common? Wrong. They are all artists. And that’s the fact, artist are so despised (unless they succeed) that 

I pretty sure that whatever artist you worship and stalk on social media, had you met in highschool or at work you wouldn’t be friends.

And that’s the thing, people hate artists they say we’re arrogant, lazy, we should get real jobs, etc man I can expend on that and I’ll do it on another post. But we are resented because we dare to dream, but I think what people reproach us the most is to “strick out” and I you think that close your browser window because I’m about to slam you against the kitchen sink. Sticking out? Who sticks out in this world?

On a planet where each tree, and I did not stutter each tree is unique how much more each human beings with their contingencies of their lives should be unique. 

Some other people stick out because you want to look like everyone else, and in a world where everyone want to fit the mould being oneself is regarded as a revolutionary act of rebellion

So basically, by being yourself you should automatically stick out, but, you’re a sheep and you’re resenting because I’m simply me while you’re a copycat?

 Well hate all you want, being unique is just to be you, sucker.
I’m out,

PB

PS: with love

Wasted Day,

Brighton, UK.

I never thought that depression could be something physical.

I’ve been so many times throughout my life in and out of depression that I became quite insensitive to other psychic pains. I thought if I could get over it, so can you. But that was before I couldn’t move for three days because of depression.
Once again I’ve been so depressed so many times that, getting back up has become a habit. Besides, and no one can disagree with me, the road to recovery starts with the right mindset. It’s like athletes who have been through injuries so many times that they exactly know in which mental and physical state they should put themselves to optimize their recovery. 
That was my take on it before, I experienced a total breakdown in Brighton, UK, that incapacitated me for three days.

I couldn’t believe it, me a “depression veteran” being beaten so badly by it? I think there might be so sort of limit to the the number of depressions you can have in one life. Firstly it attacks the mind but if you survive, you’re in the green, however if you use that trick too much, it then shuts you body down. And that’s how I felt

A total body shut down.
It’s weird, when both your body and mind collapse at the same time, you feel like you’ve reach 

The End of you existence.

It’s only because you still perceive the elapsing of time that you can think, “maybe later, I’ll feel better.” But

It really felt like the end of me.

How naive of me, haven’t I already witnessed that for the first time as a kid.
I remember my mother bed-ridden due to depression, I was 3 since my brother was still a toddler. My father wasn’t there. I don’t know how we survived, according to the legend we ate flour. I remember my mother in bed, and I remember in which cupboard my parents kept the flour, but I don’t have any recollection of me actually eating flour. That was my first Hunger story. But the thinking about that makes me very worried for my brother, how did we survive? He is tall and healthy now, but it’s probably a blessing that I did not understand how desperate the situation was. After three days my father came back I heard.

 Throughout my life, all I’ve seen is pain.

It’s probably why I’ve developed such deep sense of empathy. 

Feeling things has perhaps even become a sort of 6th sense for me.

But nobody could sense what I feel. 
Wasted days? I’ve known many of them, but even during “wasted days” I try to be productive. Create a little if mind my is ready for it, read a little, and imagining things, a lot, I guess imagination is the only thing you’ve got left when you’re down. But foremost, those days never last for long, they always end. So I’ve always got hoped for the future. Foremost if you are still honest with yourself you shouldn’t be ashamed of these days when you feel down, lonely in room your room. Because actually,

Lonely days when you feel down are often the best opportunity to reconnect with yourself.

Life is so fast, so loud, there is always noise, smell, people talking and interfering between you and your family, your lover and even between you and yourself. It’s always about going fast, do this, do that, no time to take a break when you’re healthy but when you’re down you are forced to halt. And somehow it’s a good thing.

Don’t be ashamed, but take heart tomorrow will be a better day.

The thing is, don’t dwell in depression like many people I met. I don’t know if it’s s true proverb but in Man Vs. Wild I heard this quote coming according to my memory form Iceland

If you are out in the snow, and you’re cold, sit down for five minute, and you’ll be even colder.

 GET UP.

The thing is not to be ashamed of falling down, but to be proud of yourself when shining you look back and say “I was right to get back up”.
Never be ashamed of your weaknesses, we are human. But take proud in your ability to get back up and shine.
I love you my friend 
Stay safe
PB