Alone

Sorry.

It’s been a long time, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I sort of physically fell down a downward storm that crushed everything inside me but my body, although I feel it in my bones, something has died in me. It’s funny, it’s the first time I write like this, like I’m really lonely, like I’m really alone. Before? Before I was lying, I was saying “oh Lord, I’m so lonely!” But deep in my heart I still knew that someone was listening.

I was still waiting for someone to come to my rescue and hold my hand and hand me her heart and heal me in the end.

But that was a fallacy. Not only on the sentimental perspective, but even in the realm of comradery. Comradery?

Bullcrap.

You’ve got to realize that no one loves you, and that no one wants you here, or else them too would be penpalling with the stars in longing for an answer. No they don’t. They go about they lives. Pay their taxes, have kids, divorce, then die. That little glow was still very alive within me until that day when I said,

stop, I don’t need you to commit suicide.

And I died, I died to this world, that had never acknowledged me. I died from society and I drifted away not really knowing where to go. I killed that persona, filled to the brim with false hopes, charades and fairy tales, that the grand fakers narrated me time and time again. This is disgusting. Now I know that I am really alone, and that I can’t count on no one,

in three decades maybe they’d dissect my decadence. As usual art critics danse one death too late.

And I’m gone, who can even catch me after I evaporated and bring me back to the pen.

“Personne”, which in French means someone and, nobody.

It’s hilarious, you should laugh, this is what people do when someone dies, they one day smile, then cry, cry, then smile, then die. And people will do the same for them, until there’s no one left.

This man would be the freest man in the history of mankind, he would at length breathe the fresh  air of liberty, before killing himself in his turn. And what did I spoke of a last man instead of a last woman? Well take a walk plebeian.

 

Love (or something like that)

PBx

Memory Flower,

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Yesterday for the first time after almost 2 years, I finally just chilled and played video games. It’s not just playing video games that was so healing to me, but simply

the fact of doing nothing dealing with my work and not feel guilty.

That was a first in a long time. I was laying on my bed at an angle that I had never been, and it actually made me disclose a new side of my cupboard-like “room”. That was a thrilling experience. Time flew and after finally completing the mission I was stuck in for months in Hotline Miami 2, I took off bought myself a Brooklyn Lager and ate some fish. That was a great day.

I also had some passionflower tabs, this thing sort of relax me, which is pleasing, but I was expecting it to knock me out. To be knocked down by medication in order to sleep, that is what I needed during my first diagnosed burnout, therefore I thought that it was what I needed now. It wasn’t the case, for I had to dig deep inside of me to find the resource to battle burnouts anywhere, anytime without chemical medication. And this is what I did .

I’d like to say that passionflower has s strange effect on me, it makes my dreams very clear, but not any dreams, the dreams of my past. These pills seems to remove the hazy fog that covered my memories. I wake up realizing that I had erased some people faces, some events and some places from my memory. Or maybe was I thinking about those things every night!

But the agent of repression in my psyche would automatically zap any of my unconscious attempt at remembering the past least I once again fall into the perfumed yet cold arms of Melancholy.

I paused and pondered

Suppressing my past, was it the device I found to keep me moving forward?

I can’t help but wonder. But this pills definitely have had an effect on my memory, that’s why I hereby name them,

Memory Flower.

The funniest thing is that it taste mouldy. Like the face of a haunting ex that you held captive in a memory donjon for centuries.

It has the taste of rotten memories, at least it’s not bitter. How could the sweetest fruit give such a putrid dust, is that after all the real manifestation of “Regret”, this sarcophagus of flavors in the mouth?

I do not know, but at least the opportunity to remember filled my eyes with sugary tears.

So long,

Much Love

PBx

Mental Health,

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I find it crazy and really highly hypocritical that every media and government all over the world right now are talking about mental health after all the things they purposely do to mess up with our heads, mind and psyche.

The list is long : Propaganda, the entertainment industry, GMO, pesticide, food poisoning, sugar dependency, alcohol, drugs, war on drugs, lies for the media, fake news, wars, mass manipulations, collective paranoia, war on terror, wars, division between communities, low salaries, the cost of life, debts (which is the food of the rich) no prospect for the future for neither you or your children, capped salaries based of hours worked that force you to slave away your time and makes your employer control your life, rotational shift (which is, combined with capped minimum salaries, the closest thing to slavery), the infamous burnouts created by the government and corporations, orchestrated mass depression, surveillance States that (it has been proven) damage people mental health since they feel (and are) always observed. Oh and I almost forgot the pharmaceutical industry. And many other thing that, I sure forgot. So basically

The more sedated we are the better it is for them.

However, as they are responsible for he global state of mental health, why would they possibly attract people attention on it, shouldn’t they instead keep it low? Well my dear friend that’s the crux, they only open their big nefarious mouths because they have a plan in the back of their snake heads, and it is called

Normalization.

The madness of this word comes from its semantic itself. The two main meanings of the word normalization are

  1. to normalize, to make something “normal” accepted and common to people.
  2. to nomalize, people by injecting them with drug in order to make them more submissive, obedient, less creative and less inclined to rebel against the established order.

And this is the second meaning of the term that they intend to apply.

As I told you it has always started with the media, the entertainment industry, food, drugs, pills and worse vaccines as well as in the creation of psychological insane concept like the Child King that can’t never be discipline because he/she was right about everything from birth and who inevitably gonna be messed up as a teenager,

but wait! The government has the answer, give some pills to your kids, normalize the crap out of ’em!

Legendary A&R Johm Kalodner said something that really resonated with me (I paraphrase)

“They won’t be any Rock Star in the future because kids are all being normalized.”

Wow! Now that was a shock for me. I sort of sensed it but he just put a nail on the coffin of my little hopes. A few month after, I can’t spend a single day without reading something about mental health, on social media, in newspaper and even in the street!

So what’s the plan? You won’t have the gall to tell me it’s because you have our best interest at heart, that’d be a first. We know what you did, we know what you’ve done, and we know what you’re about to do.

So don’t lie

You’ve been poisoning the very concept of reality by your mere existence. Don’t say you care.

But YOU the people WAKE UP! They don’t care about us, they don’t care about our health because they are the very reason why we are unhealthy to begin with! They don’t want to cure us with their drugs because these drugs are the very poison they want to use to do control us!

Beware, it’s becoming crazy, and we are attacked from every direction,

But I have every all the reasons to believe that they too will think they are becoming crazy when, together and united we will stand against them and gather from all direction.

 

Stay Blessed

Much Love,

 

PBx

 

Gentrification,

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Gentrification is both a very logical social, cultural and economic phenomenon yet a very head-scratching one in the same time. The Middle and the Upper class, whose goal in society is to always look richer (to the point  debts  to look better off), are also the ones wearing jeans with tears, entering charity shop after people living in homeless refuges got out, or living in former poor part of the town because it is “fashionable” 

And that is the problem, living in those area isn’t an end in itself for them, that gentrification is so unethical. Gentrification although it is the coming of richer people in poorer neighbourhood is actually the culprit in the cultural impoverishment of those very neighborhoods. Today I will talk about how gentrification affects musicians and music-related subjects and answer to how gentrification will and has jeopadized music as a whole.

Let’s get back to the beginning, starving artists dreaming to live off their music can’t afford anything but a shotgun shack in a ghetto. Their impact over time benefits the neighbourhood which gets culturally richer and richer. Until rich investors seize the opportunity to sell businesses, houses and apartments to richer people.

Why their mere presence would be enough to degrade the cultural life of a place? Because it is a parasitic process. They just here to consume, they do not take a role in the cultural thriving of an area. They basically bestow themselves the right to stay in an artistic place not by adding anything to it, but in the contrary by consuming it

And like any consumer they expect a sort of “customer service” for a party they were not invited in to begin with. This is when new comers start complaining about the noise, and many bars and clubs have suffered from this. To be more precise the gentry has forced many bars and clubs to shut down while no one asked them to come there in the first place. This issue is so alarming for the future of music business as a whole since – now that everyone can make music on their laptop, the competition has never been so tough, however the former music business used to sign A LOT of artists because they had the money. Nowadays due to the illegal downloads crave, the iPod generation and the now streaming “revolution” the funds are nowhere near the deep pockets major labels used to have. The biggest and most alarming consequence is that people have started become more and more political, and started guessing their chances. By doing so they have ended up only signing artists that sounds and look like the last charting hits. Hence the feeling of repetition we’ve felt since the 10’s but really since the late 00’s. It’s the Pop loop. Everyone sounds the same and the whole world is happy. 

Conversely the live business has never been so thriving, BUT mostly for the big names. The problem now is, if label only signs copy-cat, how to get discovered? You guessed it, live shows. But how do I get to do live shows if the gentrification caused many clubs to close? You guessed it we are stuck.

The problem is so widespread in Europe and America that it can almost be called an epidemics.

Gentrification not only forces people to leave, but it also prevents people from living. One of the most important thing to engrave in one’s heart is that, artist moving to a ghetto to live off their art isn’t a choice, that’s a necessity. I repeat, artists have not chosen to be there, they were forced to because they are broke. And that’s the irony of it. Some people because it was “fun”, because it was “fashionable” decided to come in a neighbourhood they used to despise, invade it, impoverish the culture, have cultural hubs closed, and make the cost of living in this area go up. Their mere presence brings down the quality of life others. Now that the prices are up, people are forced to live in smaller tighter places, which will eventually damage the music business entirely. 

For instance if you want a rock drummer, you need space to rehearse every day, and you need your own space to train without bothering others. Thus gentrification will result to the extinction of certain type of musicians and even to the (many times) most important one, the singer.

As a singer, you need space. You need to be able to train everyday without always have to worry about one of your seven roommates who always seems to never work but can still mystically pay the rent. Knowing that there is always someone there can prevent you to do all your weirdest vocal exercises like the infamous “nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay nay, nay, nay” used as a way to strengthen your vocal chords, or worse it forces you to squeeze your vocal chords to sound quieter or to whisper which is the BEST way to damage your voice without noticing it. If you survived this embarrassing moments, you will probably not push as far as singing your own songs at full-power, which is the way you go on stage unprepared, you suck , you make no money, you go back to your ex-poor neighborhood which is now expensive. Happy life. At least you can get some comfort food, WRONG! As you know your diet is crucial for a singer but since the price of your neighbourhood went up thanks to gentrification, you can’t afford to pay for your groceries and this slows down a little bit more your progression in your career.

Other trends will surely crash with a huge bang due to the gentrification. The vinyls, the new “old” trends in hipster and the gentry. There is no way this trend could last over time because,

There is a mismatch between the real estate market and the vinyl market.

In other words. Vinyls that are flourishing in artist corners, take a lot of space. And the prices of housing is a lot more expensive, which results in people living in smaller houses (bye bye drummers), in collocation (bye singers) and in cubicles that can only contain one human being, and maybe a bed, sometimes (bye vinyls). 

But on the other hand, the gentry loves vinyls while contributing to their destruction, since less and less people will be able to make the choice of buying and be reasonable and the renting space of the music store will just eventually choke the owners. That’s the contraction of gentrification, it kills the really thing it came to enjoy. Exactly like a parasite. But parasite are smart enough make you unaware of their presence, while the gentry allegedly publicly violates everything that made the soul of a place. Therefore how could I designate them? They look like kids that after they play with their toy dispose of it, disregarding the chaos they brought. Gentrification really comes from an infant-like mentality but it carries something else.

Indeed, the most accurate term for gentrification is a “spacial and cultural modern colonialism” when people appropriate themselves of a culture and a space, drain its life and then sell it for profit. It is purely immoral, unethical and despicable.

You really have to be either a parasite, of a kid or a colonist (which is by the way an insult) to partake in this. 

To go further, gentrification can be seen as I said as a cultural, social and economic phenomenon, but to take part in this you have to be a bit deranged, as for me gentrification is a pathology. When child-like, greedy and egocentric parasites try to verify if the grass is greener elsewhere by ripping off everything of this place you know someone has some mental issues. And that’s not ok, Im calling them out. People have to stop accepting everything on the ground of the fact that they have got money. But I wonder if it is not the fact of violating a place they do not belong to that they enjoy instead of the pleasure of living there actually since, when they come, life goes away and they never seem to notice it until they sell it, for a more “fashionable” place. Does that provide them with excitement? Do they feel a certain pleasure by invading a place?I do wonder, it does not make much sense to me, all I know I that for the cultural benefit of our civilisation we need artists, but as, I quote, Mike Skinner of The Streets said, “geezers need excitement”.

Enablers,

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©2010-2017 pixielixa

My observation is that most of the time, the outcome of any opposition lies in the number of enablers someone has on his side.

Most of the time it’s not a matter of who’s right, who comes up with more proofs, better points, a better understanding of the situation etc whatever, it all comes down to the one(s) who’ll be standing there and be dishonest, gullible, mesmerized or simply dumb enough to say “he/she’s right” and allow the other to inject all their poison. Or worse, just do nothing, say nothing, blink or smile.

In many occasions people don’t simply do evil, they are allowed to do evil.

Enabling someone to keep on doing evil in all impunity, it’s a crime. By doing so you are also condemning the others to a live in a place of eternal injustice. It’s immoral and cowardly.

When something bad happens you either, step against or for, nothing else. The rest is bland justification.

To follow on that I’ll add that,

When you say nothing or do nothing while witnessing something bad happening, your hands are dirty as well.

Calling out someone who is acting wrong is a moral duty. May it be someone lying, being untrue, aggressing, rude, anything, and you can go from that to fellonies, misdemeanors or crime.

Moreover, we all do something wrong and err at some point, we’re human. What kind of friend wouldn’t call you out when you mess up some times? An enabler would just let you rot, by lack of concern, interest, because they enjoy seeing you go the wrong way, by cowardice or by flat lack of love. And you would pass on an occasion to be a better person.

You never need a “yes man/woman” in your life. You need someone who tells you the truth. When you suck, you suck, when you messed up, you messed up. Own up to it and move on, you always’ve got a second chance.

Yet what astounds me the most with enablers is that-besides why the girlfriend or boyfriend didn’t call out their partner for being rude at the shop, every time your friends teamed up to defend something you knew wasn’t true, or when roommates formed an alliance to tick you off- enablers, in a sort of masochist twisted game, enable people to wrong them.

And that’s crazy.

It starts small, at work you’re hard with your fellow-staff members, struggling and sweating with you, but you forgive the manager, then the owner, the “elite”, government, banks etc and there you have it, you’ve allowed a system to step on you. But in the same time you mistreat people like you, surviving like you, or the same class as you.

I’m not saying that capitalism came up because of the workers. 

Yet I’ve always been surprized to see how ruthless people were for worker just like them, celebrating when a slow staff member gets fired for instance. But they are the first to justify the bad result the manager had this quarter due to bad managerial decisions (and are willingly throwing themselves to the fire, for the sack of his/her highness) and it’s even worse for CEO. If the CEO tanks the business, steps downs threat to sell intelligence to a concurrent company and by doing so gets a golden handshake, it is seen as “skills“, as a “reward” and sometimes as “justice” (what the heck?) by the ones who are the really reason why the business is moving at all.

To conclude, no, it’s not their fault if the system is like that, but from a moralpolitical or economic standpoint, I can make this claim,

You are oppressed as much as you allow people to.

Don’t enable them to do so, it’s your moral duty. Because when you don’t enable someone to wrong you directly, you let the wrong-doers hurt somebody else.

We are all responsible, don’t be an enabler.

 

I love you,

PB

 

 

New York,

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I don’t really want to New York anymore, I don’t really wanna go to the USA anymore.

The whole dream which has been free falling in my heart has finally hit the ground. From the true face of America with the institutionalised (and widely tolerated) racism, social reforms slaughter, the demonic inhuman all-powerful banking system, debts enslavement, the federal reserve immoral vampirism, the sovereign military-industrial complex, real estate cannibalism, the systemic pharmaceutical poisoning, death squads, a devilish mediacracy, the omnipresence of entertainment, disguised genocides? anyone? etc

It makes the United States of America the worst country on Earth.

But, still, I love America.

I love its ideas, writers, thinkers, spirit, energy. I love the first intend of the constitution, and I love the idea of liberty and democracy.

I doesn’t exist in America right now.

However I love these concepts and all those who defend them. We might not see that right now, and many of these big ideas has been thrown to the crowd to gain votes, they don’t exist in reality. BUT, although they come from lies, we can make them become reality,

We can make it happen.

Believe, learn and fight.

 

You’ve got all my love.

PB

 

Unplug,


It’s really hard for me to unplug from work, life, everything. I feel like the elapsing of time is working backwards for me, it doesn’t go from beginning to the end, but from end to right now. And it this short window I’ve got to accomplish things that will have an impact for a very long time. I always feel under pressure, because something always happens. When I try to forget about the world boom, a Black person gets killed, war in the Middle-East, corruption from the politicians, another social reform is slashed etc I really wish to depart from this world, but I’m connected to the world. I’m connected to all humans –  wish I wasn’t. 

The other reason why it’s hard for me to disconnect is that, nothing is real. I mean nothing I do is real, it’s all in my head. I’ve got almost nothing tangible I can show people, they can see my tools, but the ideas, dreams, and even just the music I have in my mind just don’t exist in this world yet. Unlike someone building something I have no proof of the reality of what I’m spending so much time and energy in. I sometimes envy construction workers, farmer, CNMs (Certified Nurse Midwives, that’s a funny name btw) because  they can see the result of their works.

I’m sometimes tired of living in an abstract world.

I feel like Yato in the manga Noragami (excellent manga by the way) he is a god that will disappear if people stop thinking about him.

Likewise I feel like I always have got to be “plugged” to my work because I if I stop thinking about my dreams and ideas, they might just disappear,

and nobody will hear about it, and that would be very sad.

But still, it’s time for me to switch off, I even took nap today, believe that?

Love

PB